pain

Paladin

Years later,
he feels the vial
against his chest
that holds
the only fragment of lightsong
given freely to him.

At night, sometimes,
he drifts
to a dead and thankful sleep,
as it melts,
the glass unvitrified,
the sand photonic
hourglassing inside him.

Always,
the next morning
it is whole,
emanating the piece
of the light
of the heart
of the hand
that sought to clasp his;
and even to raise him up
out of darkness
everblack.

Shaking his head,
he pushes forward,
raising his shield;

the demon is already swinging.

Caesarean

And I was conceived.
That was the first time
I lost you.

I know, now.

I was rent from the pages
of the ether
from the universal fabric
as were you.

Torn? Oh yes.
Torn from the dark
torn from the valley
and the enervation
and the deepspace
beyond this visible incantation.

That was where I last held you.

And thus was I given this body;
these raiments of oxygenation.

So this is why
I am friends with Charon,
and why my two cents
count for something at least.

This is why
whenever I saw the evenstar
break upon the last light
of our sun,
I felt the wind
and breathed deeply;

and why I lost my mind
in sheaves of cotton
and plugged the cables
of adventure
direct into my brain;

and why
when my gaze was swallowed
in the arm of the Milky Way,
I missed you
far below my words.

Time is the mist
before me on this path,
and all I know is
when I held your eyes with mine

one thing out of all
made sense.

Orison 5:22 AM

Christ, these bags are heavy…
what exactly did you get?

Come look, I got
10 things they don’t want you to know,
and my god could beat up your god,
and 50% off,
and at least I’m not a deviant,
and she’d never think you’re
a good dancer,
and you really aren’t married yet?,
and they hate our way of life,
and that’s not what I meant,
that’s not what I meant;

static,
and these dreams go on
when I close my eyes,
static,
and rock my world little country girl,
static,
and let’s stay together,
static,
and they stab it with their steely knives,
static,
and lovin’ is what I got,
static,
and fire is the devil’s only friend;

1,000 days, 1,000 drops
of my saltwater ocean
hitting the ground,
and you’re not good enough.
Did you know that?
I’m and You’re not good enough.

I used to keep my drawings
under the bed. I never showed
anyone
the
burning running biting broken sheetrock lover’s footprints falling breath of evening illuminates the smell of bread in the oven colliding with rainwater tracked in from the science museum where the Most High God smacked my ears and eyes and lungs with the burden of dying stars and gave the final joke as a Christmas present tied up with a perfect bow.

My cells want to fall asleep.

This still makes no goddamn sense,
even though your head fits
perfectly
in the crook of my neck
and everything else matches
like Lego pieces
and dust settles
on my grandfather’s desk
(a middle finger LOL to entropy
in this universe of endless light).

Continue?

K.O.
!
!
!

this tree reminds me of home;
if i sit here, i can’t hear anything else.
don’t step on a crack,
or you’ll break your mama’s back.

you’re ugly, your family’s poor,
no one cares what you say.

what do you want to be?
you can be anything;
follow your heart.

what if my heart is wrong?

come here- do you like that?
oh my god, that was like
the good parts of Revelations…
you left scratches on
my ribcage skin.

you smell like the Hanging Gardens.

i’m going to use you until you break;
i’m going to wrap thorns around you
and drink your blood.

i’m going to show you your pile
of broken failed foundations of tears;
and your pillars of light
no one else saw.

why did you stay with him?
jesus christ those scars.

more than my own life.
friend lover shield-bearer,
sovereign empress our kingdom,
headstones side by side.

i wish there was room.
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.
you’ll leave.
i’m damaged i’m stained i’m emptied out.

i think i could marry you.

yeah right.
jerk nerd preppie slut OCD failure.

can you see the skeleton outlines
where my cathedral glass
used to be?

I always thought
you reminded me
of a secret door
to some cavern in the desert.
I never cared too much
what was behind it.
that door, though, my god that door.

a million times
over and over and over and
over again.
mine.

in my dream, your hair was white,
and you still showed me
new constellations.

goodbye.

i forgot to figure out
what i want to be.

did you love?
did you?
not did you appear together
in public,
or try to impress the other,
or use someone
good-looking hey there.
but
did you climb the mountain
in the dead of winter
and give her your coat
and bring her food
and almost die
on your way back to the valley?
and no one saw and

what about tomorrow?

it’s dangerous to go alone;
take this.

go away.
i don’t need it-
put it back in your chest.
you’re bleeding.

i can’t, it doesn’t fit anymore.

i don’t have any more lives.
nothing makes sense.

does it have to?

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