Garden

“I’m gonna get my mom flowers for her birthday.”

The little one I’m watching for the evening
is telling me her secrets
as we drive home in the summer heat.

“From where?”
I’m curious.

“From my garden.
That’s where the flowers grow!”

“They do?”

“Yes! And love.
I’m going to give her love.”
She turns her palms up, imploring.
“That’s where the flowers grow.”

“I had no idea.”

She brushes the bundle of peonies
against my ear;
the scent of a mild sweetness
politely invades my nostrils.

“Where is my grandpa?”

Her grandmother
continues gazing out the window.
She was born on the other side of the world.
“He go to see God.”
As if it were a road trip.

The little one
looks out her own window.
“Oh.”

(A day before he passed,
my own grandfather opened his eyes,
cognizant,
searching for a window.
The blinds were shut.
“I don’t want to go.”

“Why not?”

“Because.
I know I’ll never see her again.”

She had passed
a few years before.)

We tell our children
there are no such things as monsters.

The little one clears her throat.

Raucous stormclouds gather in rising fists
towards heaven.
The heat outside is hell.

“The storms are spirits!”

“What?”
I wasn’t aware of this.

She leans in to tell me her secret.
“The storms… are all made of spirits.”

She points
at the approaching immensity
of water and air
bringing gifts of life and of fire.

She whispers,
That’s where the thunder grows.”

Paladin

Years later,
he feels the vial
against his chest
that holds
the only fragment of lightsong
given freely to him.

At night, sometimes,
he drifts
to a dead and thankful sleep,
as it melts,
the glass unvitrified,
the sand photonic
hourglassing inside him.

Always,
the next morning
it is whole,
emanating the piece
of the light
of the heart
of the hand
that sought to clasp his;
and even to raise him up
out of darkness
everblack.

Shaking his head,
he pushes forward,
raising his shield;

the demon is already swinging.

Rising Sign

So,
I do not think
any longer should wonder
be entertained
in this waking dream
as we apart
seek that bridge that spans aeons
and even stellar cradles.

I have figured it
in the alchemy of
quantum entanglement,
on the blackboard of the heart,
inside the mandala of time.

Listen,
for water seeks to give.
Waves throw themselves
on the shore of the land.
Rain falls to the skin of the earth,
liquid seeking the embrace
of the deep
and sanctuary of the bedrock;
and roots to drink it,
feeding the hungry pulse of life.

Water gives; so what is water
without a heart-receiver
but only a universal solvent?

Into water one may throw
infinite strikes;
ever will it resume its shape.
Onto water one may project
mountains of rage,
and it will only reflect
what you already know.

Fire,
fire is simpler still,
and only seeks a hearth
with the fuel of an endless heartbeat.

So,
while the free winds
strike their vastness upon the sky,
and paint what they will,
a vessel of water and flame
would be only placed at the altar
before the ancient tree
whose roots grow deep
into the sod and stone…

…combusting growth into dreams
and gifts eternal and warmth in winter;

and silently,
offering a song of praise
for the birth
of earth on earth.

Caesarean

And I was conceived.
That was the first time
I lost you.

I know, now.

I was rent from the pages
of the ether
from the universal fabric
as were you.

Torn? Oh yes.
Torn from the dark
torn from the valley
and the enervation
and the deepspace
beyond this visible incantation.

That was where I last held you.

And thus was I given this body;
these raiments of oxygenation.

So this is why
I am friends with Charon,
and why my two cents
count for something at least.

This is why
whenever I saw the evenstar
break upon the last light
of our sun,
I felt the wind
and breathed deeply;

and why I lost my mind
in sheaves of cotton
and plugged the cables
of adventure
direct into my brain;

and why
when my gaze was swallowed
in the arm of the Milky Way,
I missed you
far below my words.

Time is the mist
before me on this path,
and all I know is
when I held your eyes with mine

one thing out of all
made sense.

Orison 5:22 AM

Christ, these bags are heavy…
what exactly did you get?

Come look, I got
10 things they don’t want you to know,
and my god could beat up your god,
and 50% off,
and at least I’m not a deviant,
and she’d never think you’re
a good dancer,
and you really aren’t married yet?,
and they hate our way of life,
and that’s not what I meant,
that’s not what I meant;

static,
and these dreams go on
when I close my eyes,
static,
and rock my world little country girl,
static,
and let’s stay together,
static,
and they stab it with their steely knives,
static,
and lovin’ is what I got,
static,
and fire is the devil’s only friend;

1,000 days, 1,000 drops
of my saltwater ocean
hitting the ground,
and you’re not good enough.
Did you know that?
I’m and You’re not good enough.

I used to keep my drawings
under the bed. I never showed
anyone
the
burning running biting broken sheetrock lover’s footprints falling breath of evening illuminates the smell of bread in the oven colliding with rainwater tracked in from the science museum where the Most High God smacked my ears and eyes and lungs with the burden of dying stars and gave the final joke as a Christmas present tied up with a perfect bow.

My cells want to fall asleep.

This still makes no goddamn sense,
even though your head fits
perfectly
in the crook of my neck
and everything else matches
like Lego pieces
and dust settles
on my grandfather’s desk
(a middle finger LOL to entropy
in this universe of endless light).

Chronoscope: K-Outland, Intro II

“Well?” she asked, green eyes smiling under a mass of white hair. “Do you want the story… or the truth?”

The boy blinked. He hadn’t prepared for anything… profound. Most of the time, an adult (even a great-grandparent) had sat him down with the notion of “Alright now, listen to this and GO TO SLEEP.” He knew, for instance, that B always came after A; and that the hero was generally allowed to kill or break whatever got in his way, and that the girl was always waiting for him since she had nothing better to do.

But this? The story? The truth? He tried to concentrate as he nursed his glass of milk.

She waited.

“Um… which one is more exciting?”

She pursed her lips and sucked at her teeth for a few seconds.
“Well now… that all depends on what excites you. There is Dark in the story. We revel in it. The Dark is engulfing, and comforting. It fills in the cracks and holes of life. When we sink into darkness, in sleep, our minds create and live in stories.

Yet there is Light in the truth. It illuminates and cleanses, and sometimes is uncomfortable. When we are awake, we argue the Light; especially our own version of it.

It is said that Light travels fast, little one. Faster than anything. But wherever the Light goes, the Dark is there. Waiting. This is not a battle, so much as a… balance.”

His eyes were wide as he contemplated the universe at large for the first time. He felt as though he was vaguely in trouble for something he couldn’t remember doing.

“So,” she said, “choose.”
Her mouth turned up the wrinkles in its corners.
“Which one? The story… or the truth?”

The boy looked at her for a few seconds, testing invisible waters.
“Why can’t we have both?”

Her eyes widened slightly.
Unexpected.
Her head cocked back as she laughed.
“Oh!” she said, still chuckling. “There may be hope for you yet.”

He grinned and sipped his milk.

“I’ll do you one better than the story or the truth.”

He leaned in closer.

“I’m going to tell you what’s real.”

Chronoscope: K-Outland, Prologue

“Bullshit.”

The word rolled off her tongue like silk and judgment.

He stared back, unblinking for a moment in the challenge.

“Why.” More statement than question.

You,” she pointed, “are scared. Actually scared, and I’ll spare no veracity on your account. It’s pretty cute.”

“So?” A shrug. He stuck his pipe back in his mouth, tugged at his cowboy hat.

The breeze brushed at her cloak, draped over the stone chair.

The white tabernacle sat in a small clearing, long unused, in the low woods near the coast.

Light played down soft between layers of leaves.

“I know what you’re gettin’ at.”

“Do you now.”

Her leathers creaked as she crossed her legs.

She uncrossed them.

“Never did like doing that.”

“You do realize what the stakes are. Game’s kinda changed there, little killer.”

“Yep. We were talkin’ about you. Why d’you think I went ronin?”

“’Cause you got scared?” A dry smirk. Perhaps a touch of admiration.

“Focus now, little killer. You want to see, or not?”

The card danced through her fingers.

Their horses, tethered a little ways off, pawed the earth as they ate.

“Why do we keep comin’ here?”

“Yeah, now you’re gonna get all existential on me. Have you seen that shit on the outskirts lately? Christ, humor me here.”

He laughed. “What the hell do we deserve? Ever figure that one out?”

She snapped her fingers, and small blue flames danced across the air past his head.

A bird sang through the sudden silence.

His eyes narrowed. “This hat’s a relic, y’know. 20 X. Probably get a couple bags of rice for it, if I had the desire.”

“Do you?” The dry smirk given in return.

“What.”

“Have the… desire?”

“Just show me the—“ She slammed the card on the tabernacle.

“Knight of Wands.”

“Huh.” Like someone had just shown him an interesting rock.

Her eyebrow arched. “You know what this means?”

“I know it means any damn thing you want it to.” He tapped out his pipe, stowed it.

She stood. “It’s there for what you need, genius. Take it or leave it.” Started towards her horse.

He got up and debated following; she’d already thrown her saddle back on.

“Please. I’ve seen the face of God. He needed a shave. Next?”

He sighed, and followed to the horses.

She handed him the deck. “I’ve got more.”

He laughed quietly. “Somethin’ to remember you by?”

She tilted her head.

“You need objects for that?”

His arms found her, without warning, pulled her in.

Her hand twitched, in want of her gun.

Her breath caught, and the heat between them was a tangible thing.

“When you comin’ back to the Table?” he asked, softly.

Shrug. She let go and mounted up. “I dunno.” Her cloak didn’t hide her eyes.

He tied down his staff and got on.

She started to ride off.

“Hold on.”

She stopped. Tilted her head slightly.

“Hold on to what?”

“Just hold on. Ok?”

She turned, and nodded. Rode without looking back.

The air carried a faint mist with it through the sunlight. He took his pipe out, letting the horse take him in the general direction of his new destination.

He tamped it a few times before taking one long draw, and made little clouds in between the vernal air and the weight of everything else.

Continue?

K.O.
!
!
!

this tree reminds me of home;
if i sit here, i can’t hear anything else.
don’t step on a crack,
or you’ll break your mama’s back.

you’re ugly, your family’s poor,
no one cares what you say.

what do you want to be?
you can be anything;
follow your heart.

what if my heart is wrong?

come here- do you like that?
oh my god, that was like
the good parts of Revelations…
you left scratches on
my ribcage skin.

you smell like the Hanging Gardens.

i’m going to use you until you break;
i’m going to wrap thorns around you
and drink your blood.

i’m going to show you your pile
of broken failed foundations of tears;
and your pillars of light
no one else saw.

why did you stay with him?
jesus christ those scars.

more than my own life.
friend lover shield-bearer,
sovereign empress our kingdom,
headstones side by side.

i wish there was room.
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.
you’ll leave.
i’m damaged i’m stained i’m emptied out.

i think i could marry you.

yeah right.
jerk nerd preppie slut OCD failure.

can you see the skeleton outlines
where my cathedral glass
used to be?

I always thought
you reminded me
of a secret door
to some cavern in the desert.
I never cared too much
what was behind it.
that door, though, my god that door.

a million times
over and over and over and
over again.
mine.

in my dream, your hair was white,
and you still showed me
new constellations.

goodbye.

i forgot to figure out
what i want to be.

did you love?
did you?
not did you appear together
in public,
or try to impress the other,
or use someone
good-looking hey there.
but
did you climb the mountain
in the dead of winter
and give her your coat
and bring her food
and almost die
on your way back to the valley?
and no one saw and

what about tomorrow?

it’s dangerous to go alone;
take this.

go away.
i don’t need it-
put it back in your chest.
you’re bleeding.

i can’t, it doesn’t fit anymore.

i don’t have any more lives.
nothing makes sense.

does it have to?

9
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1

image

Absolution

everyone in this
defiled city
participates
in the dance of death

Not a blood sacrifice
on the altar of conquest;
not a dutiful chore
checked off with the groceries
and the collection plate,
and the towel-folding;
nor a stipulation,
nor a bargaining chip.

No.
Not a tool.

The vessel of our worship,
the unseen conversation
of tactile grace in the dance electric-

God damn you
and the way your back arches
when you pin up your hair;
I cannot get your stain
out of my soul.

I would trace my fingertips over your scars like a murderer’s over rosary beads.

You know better-
lightning can strike the same place twice;
shall I show you?

When
I have to come up for air,
or my hand is saying “come here”;
when
your forehead is touching the ground,
or you are knelt with hands folded-

Is that not all a kind of prayer?
Will we make one another beg
for forgiveness?
What is there to forgive? Shadows?

Shadows have no pulse.

So,
tell me…
how long has it been
since your last confession?